Perfect Peace
I was 21 years old when we came to the new land. I was like any young girl, with a desire to get married in the future. For years I had been attracted to a friend of mine in our congregation and had hopes to marry him. Soon after arriving in our new land, I was strongly impressed by the Father in my own heart that I would not be receiving my long-cherished desire. I fought with that, not wanting to accept it. I wanted what I wanted! Yet, I struggled to give it up.
I wrote in my diary, "What are You doing, Lord? What is it all about? I think that we're here to see who we are, and Who the Lord is. What a time to get married! Is that stupid? I just hold onto what I want. I love pleasure more than God. You see my heart, Lord. All things are open and naked and exposed to Your searching gaze. May Your will be done!"
On June 2, I wrote, "Yes, Lord, You can do with me whatever You wish! Don't let me follow my own way at all, Father! Oh don't let me, I pray!"
He was faithful.
In the summer of 2000, the Father came down and anointed Michael to be our Savior. As we were just coming into this time, I wrote, "Please destroy my kingdom, don't let me hold onto any of it anymore!" And that's what Michael came to do - destroy, our earthly made-up kingdoms, so that we may be enabled to receive His everlasting kingdom, and be one with Him, as He is one with the Father.
On July 9, 2000 I wrote in the front of my Bible, "Thou shalt not be for another man," a verse that the Father had impressed me with, and which ended with the words, "so will I also be for thee." Hosea 3:3. After that I wrote, "The word of the Lord to me." Truly it was so.
In the fall my mom had a dream that was very significant. She dreamed that a vile old man grabbed hold of me and had his mouth pressed against my mouth, not in a kiss, but as a strong force that had control over me. In her dream, she came up to this vile man and took hold of his heart and squeezed it. He fell over and started wiggling on the ground like a snake. My mom told Michael about the dream, and He said the man in my dream was my "old man" (my self), and that it was self's desire for marriage that would take hold of me at times. I had no power against it. That was so true. But by the Father's grace, the victory was certain!
I sent the following by e-mail to Michael in August:
"For a day in Your presence is better than a thousand anywhere else. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God, than to dwell in the tents of wickedness." I would rather be Your virgin, than to forsake You for another lover. I would rather be Your bride, than to follow my own flesh. I would rather be held in Your embrace, than to choose a love that ends. I would rather lose the so called "joys" of an earthly relationship to be only with You, to be only Yours forever. Though my flesh may be overcome by emotion, I choose to stay by Your side, rather than wander anywhere else. Whom have I in heaven but You? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside You.
It was a hard process to go through, but the Father brought me to relinquish my desire into His hands, and give it up. I have felt the pain of yielding up the longing for companionship. My tears have been many. Michael told me once, "I can understand how you may feel deprived of your most basic desire, and your internal struggle over how to fulfill it. You are not alone, surely. These things are the greater trials for us. We may see the reason in not being allowed to do something evil, but we wrestle with the notion that we cannot do something that is good."
But, looking back from where I am now, I see that I would have chosen this path, could I have seen the end from the beginning. I know that nothing the earth can offer can even begin to compare to the love found in Messiah. I know that I will never be married in an earthy sense, for I am married to Messiah alone. I am free to follow my Shepherd with an undivided heart. I am not bound by an earthly relationship. The Father has set me free to serve Him in whatever way He chooses. I have nothing holding me here. My heart is His alone, and no earthly consideration will come between us in any way.
I wrote in November of last year, "I choose to hate the earthly and to cleave to the heavenly."
There is a song that speaks of the yielding up that I experienced. "I surrender all my silent hopes and dreams, though the price to follow costs me everything. I surrender all my human soul desires..."
Yes, it has cost me everything, but the cost is nothing compared to the joy and fulfillment found in Messiah. Michael said, "I will leave you with nothing, standing bare and with your hands empty, so that I, alone, will be your sole Resource... I will cause the separation to break into all of your associations. Nothing will remain but a great plain." And in that great plain, Father comes down and takes you unto Himself, that where He is, you may be also. I have experienced this and I know it is true.
I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege, the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage of knowing Michael my Lord, and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish, in order that I may gain Messiah, the Anointed One. Phil. 3:8 Amplified.
Perfect PeaceGlory
It was one year ago, on the 13th of April, on the very day that I was to travel to the new land which we had just acquired, that the Lord began to overturn my marriage of almost 30 years. That day, He spoke to me His words of assurance that this was His doing. He was in control, and everything was going to be all right. A couple days later, on my first Sabbath in the new land, He told me that He was bringing me to this land to teach me how to be the wife He had created me to be. I thought He meant, to teach me how to be a better submissive wife to my earthly husband, though he had not chosen to come to the new land with me.
Three months later, on July 15, as I was reading The Song of Solomon in my Amplified Bible, the question came to my heart in the form of the footnote, "What is my greatest concern, the thing about which most of all I want Christ's help? When He asks to hear my voice, what do I tell Him?" My immediate response was, "The salvation of my husband and children." The Lord very quietly then spoke to my heart, telling me that I loved my husband more than I loved Him. As that truth came home to me, my heart responded with, "That's not what I want, Lord. I want to love You more than I love my earthly husband. I want to love You with all of my heart."
Five days later, on July 20, in answer to my earnest prayer for understanding of what was beginning to unfold in our new land, Father spoke plainly to me, telling me, This is the second coming of Jesus. I saw clearly how it would look just the same as it did 2000 years ago when He came in the human form of a Man called Jesus of Nazareth. I saw how He would be rejected by the multitudes, and that once again the cry would be raised, "Crucify Him!" I went to Michael that afternoon to share with Him what Father had revealed to me.
That very night I had a dream in which I was pregnant. I went to a mid-wife to have it confirmed. She verified that I was indeed three or four months along. I argued that this could not be possible, but she insisted that it was true. If I went through with the pregnancy I knew it would cost me my marriage, because my husband would believe I had been unfaithful to him. In my dream, I made the decision to go through with the pregnancy. Then I woke up, feeling quite troubled about my dream.
As I walked and talked with the Lord the next morning, I asked Him to reveal to me its meaning. He told me I was "pregnant" with the Child of Revelation 12, and that to have this Child it would cost me my earthly marriage. I counted my cost that morning, and, as in my dream, I willingly chose to lay down my earthly marriage on the altar of sacrifice, in order to go to the very depths of a love relationship with my heavenly Husband.
In the months that followed, being apart from my earthly husband became my daily "cross" to bear; but I watched my heavenly Father, Who, from His great heart of love, faithfully held me to my word, and granted me the true desires of my heart. Oh, Love, that would not let me go! Day after day He gently wiped away my tears and wrapped His arms of love around me, healing my broken heart. After praying for a complete and total victory, He revealed to me that He had heard and answered my prayer.
My mind has completely shifted from my earthly husband to my heavenly Husband. He has brought me completely away from the place of pain and tears. My only desire is to hear His voice speaking to my heart. I delight to do His will, to follow His instructions. He has been drawing me so deeply into Him. I am nothing without Him. There are times when I feel Him as my Father, and I am a little child. Other times, I feel Him as my Husband, providing everything I need. I can't do anything without Him.
My heavenly Husband has brought me to a place where I rest quietly in Him. He has taken away all of my own self-interests and earthly desires. My confidence has shifted from self-confidence to confidence in Him. Into His hands I have commended my spirit, bringing an end to my own striving for salvation. I always worked so hard to look good and say just the right things. Now I don't have a concern about my own salvation any more. I trust Him with the keeping of my soul. He's free to do with me whatever He wants. The vindication of His character is all that matters to me. Glory
They will be saved indeed through the Childbearing or by the birth of the divine Child. 1 Tim. 2:15.
Given Over
In June of 2000 Michael asked us to marry Him and my response was, Yes, I will. I remember feeling drawn in a new way, a stronger way. I knew that I wanted with my whole heart to marry Him. I had no idea what it was going to look like. I only knew that Father had told me that Michael was my Savior and that without Him I would perish.
On July 10, 2000 these words were entered in my journal: Upheaval, shaken, turned upside down, emptied of all and filled with God (Michael). Be still and let it happen. Move forward each moment. Heat me up to the highest temperature required.
I began to experience a great spiritual need, and it required as it always does, a sacrifice. In the past whenever my spiritual life has moved upwards, my "natural inclinations" first had to experience a cross. The sacrifice came in the form of laying down certain desires. They were not things that were wrong or evil, but things, that by all human standards, were good and profitable, things like my salvation and my desire for heaven.
Strange as it might seem Father was asking me to give them up. That is why it was so stressful to me. As I look back upon it, what I needed and what I was being prepared for, was to have God Himself, without any concern for His gifts. Also, there was a root of fear from my childhood that needed removal, a fear of not being accepted, never doing anything right (or at least not being told so) etc. During this time the weight became so heavy upon my soul that I felt as though I could hardly go on. Just functioning in the daily routine was sometimes almost unbearable.
How did this "root" from my childhood tie in with giving up my salvation and heaven? Well, all my life I was more focused upon being loved in a way that would be satisfying to me, (ie. being told things that assured me that I was loved and accepted). So instead of just loving those in my family and God, I was seeking their "gifts" that would assure me that "I" was loved. It was this self-interested love that needed uprooting.
On August 10, 2000 just a little before 6:00 AM I had an appointment at the computer room. As I was sitting at the computer, Michael passed by the window. I knew I had to go and speak to Him, I knew He would be able to help me. As I approached Him the look on His face was one of compassion and concern, He asked, "What is it?" The flood of things that had been going through my mind the previous five days or so came pouring out of me, revealing the root from my childhood. He simply placed His hand on my heart and said, "It's all right. Believe and be healed." Instantly I felt the burdens lift off of me. I was free! Father entered into me in a way He had never done before. He kissed my lips and made me His. I knew I would never be the same again. "When the Son makes you free, you are free indeed", and the Spirit of God in this human vessel had set me free.
I no longer wanted an earthly marriage. He had taken away all desire for it in an instant. It was the beginning of entering me fully into a commitment I had made almost twenty years ago. I remember it very clearly. I was at a low point in the process of the destruction of my first earthly marriage, when I saw that man cannot be relied on. I cried out to Father that I wanted Him and only Him and never again would a man be more important to me than He was. I told Him I wanted to be His and only His.
Now, I had to tell the man who was my earthly husband, that I no longer wanted an earthly marriage. What could I say? I didn't fully understand myself what was happening. I didn't know what the future was going to look like. All I knew was that I could never go back. We went for a walk together just before sundown one Sabbath. I knew I had to tell him, and I asked Father to give me the words. We spoke about other things for awhile and then sat on a rock. He said he knew that something had happened to me, that I was different. It was then that I told him that I no longer desired an earthly marriage. He asked me, "What does that look like?" I told him I didn't know, I just knew that things were different now, something in me had changed and I could never go back to the way it was before. Looking back on it, the truth is that I wasn't his, I belonged to another, my true Husband, my heavenly Husband, the one I had committed to twenty years ago. He was causing my commitment to be fulfilled.
Through the months since then He has caused upheaval, shaking, turning upside down, emptying of all and being ever filled with the Spirit of Michael. He has caused me to be still and let it happen. He has moved me forward each moment and heated me up to the highest temperature required. He has taken me to the cross in a very real way, and I love Him the more for it all. Given Over
For what great nation is there who has a god so near to them as the Lord our God is to us in all things for which we call upon Him? Deut. 4:7 Amplified.
Joy
Where was Adam and what was he doing, when Eve wandered off and visited the forbidden tree? Was the garden that absorbing? Where was I when Given Over was feeling the emptiness and dissatisfaction of the kind of love that only a human can offer? Where was my mind, what was I thinking, what was I doing, while she was suffering during the years that we have known together?
Now, in the new land, access has been granted to the tree of Life in this Garden of God, and Given Over wandered off from me, driven by a hunger of soul and heart emptiness. All this occurred while I was busy with my "gardening." Upon finding the tree she met her Creator and Redeemer, the true Husband of all mankind. He had come, disguised in the garb of human.
She poured out her need and He placed His hand upon her heart and said, "Be healed." She believed Him and instantly it brought forth Life. Wooed by the heart of Love Himself, her soul was Given Over, and she died to her previous "life" and "union" with me; for now she was entering upon a higher calling, which was determined before the foundations of the world were laid.
It is said that when Eve returned to Adam and told him of the "wonderful change" that had occurred, she appeared to him to be more beautiful than ever before. He wasn't deceived about the fruit, he knew the consequences and felt he could not bear to live without her, giving evidence that he loved her more than his Maker. In his mind he must have thought that God could be bargained with, and he chose to enter upon a path where he would try to fix the problem in his own way.
In my own case, it was very much similar in appearance. My wife came home beaming with joy. She had eaten of the fruit of the tree of life, and she indeed had become like God. She had brought the fruit home with her, as well, but my own unbelief placed it, somehow, out of reach.
As time passed it became evident that she was not the same person that I once had known. No, she was an angel, and I was painfully aware that her "union" with me was ended. It was as though she was transforming into a heavenly being before my very eyes. She indeed had become more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Up until this time, I had never been "in love" with her. I married her because of inner qualities that drew me, for she was an average woman with little outward beauty. But now I can hardly rest my eyes upon her without being overwhelmed.
How I longed to be like God as well, yet now the cost "seemed" more than I could bear. For the first time I had fallen "in love" with her, and now I had to abandon that attachment. It was clear that I, as well as Adam, loved "Eve" more than my Maker. But my "love" wanted to possess her for myself. My "love" reached out to her, but it was defiled by the earthliness of the human channel through which it flowed. My hands were too sticky; grab, grab, grab is all I knew how to do. But a noble being cannot be possessed. Like the rainbow cast from a prism, I cannot close my hand upon it, for the darkness swallows it up and it eludes my grasp.
My cry was, How can I give you up! How can I let you go! My heart was turned within me. Yet she was no longer mine, for she had told me so. What was there to give up? Only my attachment. The folly of Lot's wife was mine, trying to hold onto something that was destroyed. And in mercy I was to be reduced to salt.
The very real possibility loomed up before me that because Given Over is one of the Seven Women prophesied to lay hold of Messiah, she too would be received by God into His chamber and loved in a way that was out of my reach and out of my calling. Like a mighty cross too heavy to bear, the consummation loomed up before me, as well as it did for Michael in His sphere. Though the substance and circumstances for both of us differed, the terror and horror were as real for us as the cross was for Jesus in His hour of trial. I read, "He must Himself gain a fresh hold on Omnipotence, for only thus can He contemplate the future (the cross with all its suffering)." DA 420.
I knew that this was the only way I could see the consummation in its true significance. Only by "taking hold" of Omnipotence could I bear to look upon it, as it is revealed by Father in its beauty, bringing full deliverance for my own soul. Yet it was a cross of unsurpassed pain, so repugnant, and so revolting to my senses. I expect it is because my sight was so earth bound and my view of this subject was much affected by my own past context. It was developed in darkness, where the Deceiver discolored the beauty of a most precious gift, divesting the Creator of His domain in it, and enslaving humanity at the same time.
I can now see why the disciples did not pursue a conversation with Jesus about the cross of which He so clearly spoke. Surely it had only spiritual significance, they thought. He could not mean a real literal cross, for it would be the end of everything right and good, the death of their hopes and dreams. No, no, He cannot really mean "THAT".
So here I was, the woman I was married to had died. The Father now held her, spoke softly to her, and now she is His wife, not mine. His kisses and embraces, and His bed expects nothing, and will take nothing, that is not freely given or requested of her. This was my cross and yet, it became my song. Even in the midst of my crucifixion, the words rang in my heart; "God never leads His children otherwise than they would choose to be led, if they could see the end from the beginning and discern the glory and the purpose which they are fulfilling." RH 3-07-12.
Considering then that I am surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses who have born testimony to the Truth (the Scriptures, divine providence, the sun, moon, and stars), I strip off and discard every earthly context that encumbers, every unnecessary weight and entanglement that so easily binds me here, and rise with patient endurance and steady active persistence in the appointed course of ascension set before me.
Looking away from all that is earthly, distressing and distracting, unto Jesus who is the author and source of my faith. He gave it its first incentive and He is the perfect and final fulfillment of it, bringing it to maturity and perfection. For it was the JOY that was set before Him that compelled Him to endure the cross, despising and ignoring its shame." Heb.12:1-2 Amplified (and personalized).
Therefore there is a Joy unspeakable and full of glory set before me, and for this cause I left my wife, and cleave unto my Husband, and the two become One Spirit, in the consummation of God.
Today Given Over is free from me, I no longer hold an attachment. My heart is satisfied with the way things are, and I no longer 'crave' her, yet we are closer than ever before.
For as certainly as God was in Messiah, on the cross, reconciling the world unto Himself, even so He is in Messiah marrying and consummating His bride unto Himself, (of who I am one)." 2 Cor. 5:19.
Joy
For some souls in the new land, the light of the glory of the immediate presence of God in Michael was so strong, it wasn't a matter of believing whether the overturning was of God or not. For them, it was a matter of, Do I really want a marriage to God if this kind of invasive, intimate relationship is what heaven is all about? This consideration was further compounded by seeing and feeling in their own person the utter inability to want that kind of relationship with God. In the following dream, the Father revealed the alternative to being married to Him:
I dreamed I was at the home of a worldly family where we came from in the northwest, talking to the husband at the door. He invited me in. Soon I was visiting him alone in his bedroom, talking to him about the south country, and he started touching me and getting fresh. I excused myself to leave.
Then suddenly, I was in a dark room with this man assaulting me in the pitch black darkness. He was mocking me and laughing. I wrestled with him and shouted for my wife to come help me. Then I started to wake up, and as I was waking up, I heard ghoulish howling. It took me about a minute to get my bearings and realize I was in the new land in my own home. I felt very shaken by this dream because it was so vivid, yet peace came quickly after I awoke.
I've been sitting here in the quietness praying and appreciating God's invasiveness. I realize that my dream was about his enemy, and his defiling invasiveness. God's isn't like that, yet he still invades the soul. I see in a greater way how if God doesn't get to invade the heart and come in, your enemy will, and he's of a much different character. I never want to cringe again with God's "intimate advances," because He is so kind and gentle and unselfish. I receive His "soul invasion" with a new appreciation. Faithful Son
In a response from his father to his dream, the picture was revealed of just how seriously the powers of darkness take our past agreements ("marriage contracts") with them.
Faithful Son,
I see in this dream something else as well. It is not uncommon for one to be harassed when he is taking steps to come from his darkness. Adversarial spirits assault the soul, as would the Catholics in ancient times, if one was attempting to separate from their company. Unknowingly you have spent time with them, listening to their points of view on occasion. Now, you are stepping away and they are offended. I have seen this happen time and again with various souls who are stepping away from the adversary. He is not happy to lose someone who has previously agreed with him in his attitude.
Father
The Father's incomprehensible instructions to our own soul are guaranteed to overturn us, and bring "self" to its complete death. The personal price for this to occur in the soul has already been demonstrated in the life of Michael.
They shall be Mine, says the Lord of hosts, in that day when I publicly recognize and openly declare them to be My jewels, My special possession, My peculiar treasure. And I will spare them, as a man spares his own son who serves him [as the Father spares His Own Son Who serves Him]. Mal. 3:17 Amplified.
